Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
