I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He passed out mid-signature
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
