On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
