you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just threw up on my dentist
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
