Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
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I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
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You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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