I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
