so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
