people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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