I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
