Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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