Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
