i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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