just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
When did we convert life to cartoon?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
