I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
