Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I need a beard to bite.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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