If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
