you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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