I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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