I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
This is the high leading the old right now
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
