saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The adults are the big ones right?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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