Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
