How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
