Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
