Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
