90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
