We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
