I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
