Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
one might say we're banned from that church
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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