How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
