I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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