i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
