Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
