look no pants
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Drake has all the answers
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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