My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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