There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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