I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
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It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
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Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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