If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
