Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
