So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
