Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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