My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
