Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
