my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
