Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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