ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
