I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
