I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm sobbing to NWA
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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