drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
