If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
