This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
