Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
