After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
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