I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
