She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
