mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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