I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
