The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Randomize
