I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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