drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
