yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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