I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
