sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My pussy is not your playground.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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